He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
tell me about the eggs
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
