I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
