Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
