i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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