You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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