i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
