if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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