If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
a search helicopter?!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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