I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
