You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
