Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
