Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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