I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
