her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
