is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why can't burritos get me drunk
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
