Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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