what day is it and did you see me today?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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