I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
