sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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