I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
