Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
