I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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