Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
