I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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