The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
