my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
