We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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