My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
two words...techno handjob
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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