She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
