Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
