I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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