Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
