can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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