We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
