Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
