just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
