He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
