Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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