Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
