I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
