you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
