he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
