i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
