I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
