I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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