She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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