lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
