Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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