I have demons in me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
