sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Soap is not a condiment
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
